


The Trouble with Cousins, Aurors and Moony

by 42069, cloudeater (anxiousgoat), Crackfic_Crookshanks (Hang_In_There_Baby_Crookshanks), crackshoespotterr (moonshoespotterr), the_laibararian, tschulie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, M/M, Podcast: Fanatical Fics and Where to Find Them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26045275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/42069/pseuds/42069, https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxiousgoat/pseuds/cloudeater, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hang_In_There_Baby_Crookshanks/pseuds/Crackfic_Crookshanks, https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonshoespotterr/pseuds/crackshoespotterr, https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_laibararian/pseuds/the_laibararian, https://archiveofourown.org/users/tschulie/pseuds/tschulie
Summary: Sirius Black runs into his cousin Aloysius, leading to a series of unfortunate events. But will he get a happy ending after all the chaos?
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 4
Collections: Fanatical Fam's Crackfic Chaos





	The Trouble with Cousins, Aurors and Moony

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Crackfic written by the Fanatical Fam over on the discord for the Fanatical Fics and Where To Find Them podcast!  
> These fics have been created using our favourite bot - Chocolate Frogs - during a game we like to call Crackfic Chaos.

Sirius Black was sitting on the front steps of Hogwarts, musing on what a bunch of racists his family were and wondering if it really would count as murder if he just killed the lot of them. All of a sudden, an unknown boy walked up to him and held out his hand. 

"Good afternoon," he intoned poshly. "I am your cousin Aloysius." Sirius looked up at his hot cousin Aloysius. Who was he? Was he racist? And HOW could someone possibly be hotter than him?? They’d never met before. From inside the castle, Remus, Peter, and James came skipping out hand in hand. 

“Hey Padfoot! Who is this?” 

“He's my cousin apparently!” 

“Is he racist?” 

'Yes I'm racist,' Aloysius said. 'But that's kind of the pureblood thing.'

'No it isn't!' James shot back, the other three nodding behind him. 'I wanted to make out with you but guess I'll just have to go back to Evans instead!' The four of them traipsed away to their dorm. 

Sirius still couldn't believe that his cousin was hotter than him?? How dare he be hotter than Sirius? The Black kid was so put off by that new information that he had trouble walking in synch with the other Marauders like they usually did. His cousin Aloysius... he would show him! At night, Sirius snuck into his cousin's dorm room and prepared to hex his face into ugliness.

"Facius Uglius" But to Sirius's shock, the spell bounced off his cousin's face and hit his own instead! Aloysius was simply too beautiful to be cursed, and now Sirius would live the rest of his life without his amazing good looks

Before he could think about the consequences of drawing attention to himself in the snake pit, Sirius let out a horrific scream. He clutched his face in panic. His dainty nose. His rugged chin. All gone! 

"What in Salazar's name are you doing down here, Black?" asked a greasy sounding voice. 

"Piss off, Snivellus!" screamed Sirius, beginning to cry at the loss of most of his facial features. "You did this to me you unspeakable greasy arsed git!" Snape sat cross legged at the top of the pit and rolled his eyes. Honestly. Black was such a drama queen. He pulled the Daily Prophet out of his robes and began to fill in the crossword. 

Down below, Sirius had begun to realise that the snakes weren't actually attacking him, which seemed kind of weird, now he came to think of it. Sirius looked up at Snape. 

"Need any help with that?" Snape raised an eyebrow and held out the newspaper to Sirius. 

"I'm stuck on 7 down." Sirius pursed his lips as he examined the crossword clue. Latin name for the dog star. HA! No brainer. 

"Why, Snivellus. I'm insulted you didn't know my namesake." 

"I did Sirius, I only let you think you were helping me with the crossword to trap you! I've enchanted that newspaper with a Takeover Charm! Within 5 minutes, YOU will become the newspaper!" Snape laughed a cruel laugh while Sirius began to scream. Sirius' scream became more and more high pitched, he didn't know what to do to prevent turning into the Hogwarts Hearsay. Now he realised, one student had been gone missing every time the Hearsay had been published.

When Sirius saw the Hearsay headline the next day, he knew he was a dead man. His cousin thing—Alyosis or whatever; he had to be behind this. Surely he was racist. Sirius was going to kill his family. Every one of them; before they killed him. Sirius slammed the Hearsay down on the table. He had to get ahead of the story before his family could damage his reputation even further. Clearing his throat he shot a death stare at his cousin and began to address the other students in the room. He would search help on the highest level, yes, that's what he would do! 

He borrowed James' invisibility cloak and headed down to Hogsmeade. As he arrived at the auror headquarter he ran into his old buddy Frank Longbottom who was currently an auror in training. Being under the invisibility cloak doesn't help when people can still feel you. 

Quickly, Sirius shouted "Disappearus Mati" and not only vanished from view but was no longer able to be sensed by Frank Longbottom. As a training auror, Frank knew something was wrong but could only pick up the invisibility cloak and make a note to talk to James.

Sirius had disappeared himself without thinking! Oh no, what would he do? He had wiped all memory and physical trail of himself from the universe. His room in 12 Grimauld Place was now an empty guest bedroom. No one knew who he was. He was a mere idealistic blob floating outside of time and space. How could he be so careless????? Waaaaaah! He sobbed.

Suddenly, Sirius perked up. If no one could see or hear him... He waggled his eyebrows mischievously. This was the perfect opportunity to watch Moony in the shower.

The mere idealistic blob that was all that remained of Sirius Black floated towards the Gryffindor common room and approached his friend. 

"Aaaaah!" Remus screamed. 

"Aaaaaaah!" Sirius yelled. 

"You can see me?" he demanded of the werewolf. 

"I mean, duhhh!" said Remus, still in a scream. "What are you doing? Why are you that SHAPE? Or should I say non-shape?" Sirius sighed. 

"It's a long story," he admitted. Remus rolled his eyes and carried on soaping himself. 

"Are you doing that on purpose?" said Sirius. "Wait, can you help me get my body back? You're the nerd of the Marauders, after all."

Remus washed his balls thoughtfully. "I guess it depends," he said.

"On what?" said Sirius. 

'It depends on how much you wanna do this!' Remus said smashing their faces together. They were so caught up in their kiss that they didn't hear the cracking of the glass window behind them. Suddenly they were flying through the air and crash landing on snow. And that is the story of how Sirius got his body back and ended up naked with his 'best friend' in the courtyard of Hogwarts.


End file.
